Member Since: 12 Jan 2009
Location: N Yorks
Posts: 1612
Jokes
The Priests Chickens
The priest in a small English village loved his chickens that he
kept in the coop behind the church.
One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and
discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to
question his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked his
congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock
that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up !
"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is,
has anybody seen MY cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up!
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it' ll be hanging down again tomorrow!"
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,
"Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A rugby league fan is drinking in a London bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, "That's about average in Yorkshire ... like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player."
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Twenty pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Tetley's bitter, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says "Had him circumcised..."Club Pie n Pea
One life....Fish it
D3 Gone but not forgotten
Club Men of Oak
Club Walnut sniffers
D4 Van owner
Ents long lost Uncle
Last edited by Willy Eckerslike on 5th Feb 2009 11:08 pm. Edited 1 time in total
5th Feb 2009 11:06 pm
SJR
Member Since: 09 Aug 2006
Location: East Manchester
Posts: 4030
5th Feb 2009 11:08 pm
flinty99
Member Since: 17 Mar 2008
Location: Northumberland
Posts: 2558
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