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These should put a smile on your dial !
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NJSS
 


Member Since: 06 May 2009
Location: Catherington, Hampshire.
Posts: 10592

United Kingdom 2016 Discovery 4 3.0 SDV6 Landmark LE Auto Waitomo GreyDiscovery 4

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

here was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very
serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to startup a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up.
Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said,
"You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
  
Post #23524797th Nov 2023 4:05 pm
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NJSS
 


Member Since: 06 May 2009
Location: Catherington, Hampshire.
Posts: 10592

United Kingdom 2016 Discovery 4 3.0 SDV6 Landmark LE Auto Waitomo GreyDiscovery 4

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a Year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.


My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.


One day this sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.


Well, I was in total shock,and couldn't say a word.


She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'


I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.


Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car
  
Post #23524817th Nov 2023 4:12 pm
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Rescue01
 


Member Since: 14 Jan 2008
Location: Aberdeen
Posts: 2458

Scotland 2008 Discovery 3 TDV6 XS Manual Buckingham BlueDiscovery 3

Rolling with laughter
 Its not the height of the fall but the sudden stop at the bottom that hurts!!  
Post #23524927th Nov 2023 6:48 pm
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NJSS
 


Member Since: 06 May 2009
Location: Catherington, Hampshire.
Posts: 10592

United Kingdom 2016 Discovery 4 3.0 SDV6 Landmark LE Auto Waitomo GreyDiscovery 4

The Donald takes trip to Rome


Donald took a quick trip to Rome to show his concern for the Pope:

"I met with Pope Francis today. He's a really great pope — great, great pope.

You know he's the leader of the Catholic Church — a big church. "I couldn't believe it when he told me how many Catholics there are. Way more than I thought. They have churches all over the world; some are very, very close (so close) to my hotels and golf courses. He tells me he's elected for life, probably copying that Xi guy in China. Fantastic idea, though. Fantastic.

It turns out the pope is a lot like me, you never see him with his wife. He told me he's infallible. I said that's great, you'll never have to worry about breaking a hip; and he told me about a Mary Magdalene, beautiful girl, beautiful. Apparently a hooker. I asked him for her number. Didn't catch his answer. I'm told he said it in Latin. I give the guy credit because he doesn't look Latino.

He took me into the Sistine Chapel. Beautiful ceiling. Not the usual white stucco stuff. I don't think too many people even know about this place. The paintings are great, I'm telling you. Lots of colours. The Pope (great guy, by the way, knows more about the Bible than almost anybody — we got along great, I think he really likes me) told me the whole thing was painted by this young Italian. I think his name is Mike Langelo. At least that's what Francis (we're great friends) called him, I think. Trust me, we're going to hear more about this guy. He's really artistic, and everybody tells me I have the greatest eye for the best art. It's natural, just like my incredible understanding of science. All the renowned scientists say they can't believe it.

I told Frank I'd like to buy some of Mike's art. I asked if Mike's done anything on velvet. He'll check (great guy). I'll hang his stuff at Mar-a-Lago or Trump Tower.

This Mike guy needs more exposure. He's too much with the churches. He could paint my presidential portrait on the Capitol Dome; or maybe a mural on my big, beautiful border wall, but just on our side.

When we left, the pope gave me a bible. Huge book. (Huge.) I told him I have the full set. You get one for free every time you take a porn star to a hotel room."

Unbelievable. Just heard The lame stream media is at it again. Fake news. (Fake news.) I just saw something on TV. They claim Mike the painter died 450 years ago. Sad. I've already got people looking into this and you won't believe what they're finding."



  
Post #235382323rd Nov 2023 9:15 am
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NJSS
 


Member Since: 06 May 2009
Location: Catherington, Hampshire.
Posts: 10592

United Kingdom 2016 Discovery 4 3.0 SDV6 Landmark LE Auto Waitomo GreyDiscovery 4

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American Tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum & said "You Australian folk eat the whole piece of bread?".

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

The American blew a huge bubble, "We don't.

In the States we only eat what’s inside, the crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia".

The American had a smirk on his face.

The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted...

"D'Ya eat jam with the bread?"

Sighing, the Australian replied "Of Course".

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said,

"We don't. In the states, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and left-overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia".

The Australian then asked "Do you have sex in the states?".

The American smiled and said "Why of course we do".

The Australian leaned closer to him and asked

"And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?

"We throw them away of course"

Now it was the Australians turn to smile....

"We don't, In Australia we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down & turn them into chewing gum & sell them to the United States....

Why do you think it’s called Wrigleys?"
  
Post #235675224th Dec 2023 5:19 pm
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NJSS
 


Member Since: 06 May 2009
Location: Catherington, Hampshire.
Posts: 10592

United Kingdom 2016 Discovery 4 3.0 SDV6 Landmark LE Auto Waitomo GreyDiscovery 4

A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”

Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is extremely embarrassed and slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles and says quietly, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a psychology student and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To this, the man responds at the top of his voice, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN £800?”
  
Post #23576494th Jan 2024 12:36 pm
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NJSS
 


Member Since: 06 May 2009
Location: Catherington, Hampshire.
Posts: 10592

United Kingdom 2016 Discovery 4 3.0 SDV6 Landmark LE Auto Waitomo GreyDiscovery 4
A young woman in Liverpool...

A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for - I'm off to America in the morning and if you like I can stow you away on my ship and will take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder - "I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded - after all, what she had to lose and a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat and from then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, during a routine inspection she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said.




"This is the Birkenhead Ferry."
  
Post #23582669th Jan 2024 2:08 pm
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Paul J.
 


Member Since: 09 Dec 2005
Location: Leafy Cheshire
Posts: 7402

United Kingdom 

Two old ladies are sitting at a bus stop, smoking. It begins to rain, and one old lady pulls out a condom, stretches it out, snips the tipoff, and puts it over her cigarette so she can smoke without her cigarette getting damp. The other old lady thinks that it is a nifty trick and asks her what she put over her cigarette. The lady replies that it is a condom and that you can buy it at a pharmacy. The 2nd old lady thanks her and makes a note to pick one up when she gets her prescription filled later that week. Sure enough, a few days later she enters the pharmacy, goes up to the young man working the counter, and says “Young man, I would like to buy a condom please”. The young man is taken aback by her advanced age, and replies “Wow. Good for you! No one has ever asked me for help with that before… um. What size do you need?” The old woman pauses, then replies “I need one that will fit a camel”.
 An ex-Disco3 / FFRR owner ......

..... now on the JLR electric highway. 
 
Post #235983023rd Jan 2024 9:32 pm
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NJSS
 


Member Since: 06 May 2009
Location: Catherington, Hampshire.
Posts: 10592

United Kingdom 2016 Discovery 4 3.0 SDV6 Landmark LE Auto Waitomo GreyDiscovery 4
Valentine’s Day Advice

I am looking for some advice please.

What's the best number of roses to give SWMBO for Valentine’s Day?

6, 12, 24 or should I give her the whole tin??
  
Post #236044830th Jan 2024 10:29 pm
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NJSS
 


Member Since: 06 May 2009
Location: Catherington, Hampshire.
Posts: 10592

United Kingdom 2016 Discovery 4 3.0 SDV6 Landmark LE Auto Waitomo GreyDiscovery 4
Ducks - in Heaven !

Three women die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says: “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this man!”

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. He’s tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says: “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”

The guy says: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
  
Post #236481720th Mar 2024 12:12 pm
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NJSS
 


Member Since: 06 May 2009
Location: Catherington, Hampshire.
Posts: 10592

United Kingdom 2016 Discovery 4 3.0 SDV6 Landmark LE Auto Waitomo GreyDiscovery 4

An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’
  
Post #23658354th Apr 2024 2:30 pm
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Hardware
 


Member Since: 28 Jun 2016
Location: Hiding under the M60
Posts: 12825

United Kingdom 2011 Discovery 4 3.0 SDV6 XS Auto Sumatra BlackDiscovery 4

A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be held at a cemetery in the country. As the bagpiper was not familiar with this area, he got lost and, being a proud man, didn’t ask for directions.

Finally, an hour late, he arrived and saw the funeral director had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. He felt very bad and apologised to the men for being late. He went to the side of the grave and looked down to see the vault lid already in place. Not knowing what else to do, he started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. He played out his heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. And as he played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, he wept, they all wept together.

When he finished, he packed up his bagpipes and started for his car. Though his head hung low, his heart was full. As he opened the door to his car, he heard one of the workers say: “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
 .


Dean
====================================

2011 D4 XS - OBD port protection, RLD spare wheel protector, All LED interiors lights, Timed Climate enabled, iiD tool paired.
2011 D4 Landmark - Stolen from same dealer before I paid for it
2011 D4 GS - Stolen whilst at dealer Sad ... All LED interiors lights, DRLs, Spare Wheel protector.
1996 300Tdi - Eaten by tin worms 
 
Post #236630810th Apr 2024 8:49 am
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NJSS
 


Member Since: 06 May 2009
Location: Catherington, Hampshire.
Posts: 10592

United Kingdom 2016 Discovery 4 3.0 SDV6 Landmark LE Auto Waitomo GreyDiscovery 4

A few one-liners - some quite old


I applied for a job in an ice cream parlour.. They turned me down when I said I can’t do Sundays

My doctor told me that I’m suffering from paranoia. Well, he didn’t actually say that, but I could tell that’s what he was thinking.

I had a pelican curry for lunch, it tasted nice, but the bill was enormous.

There was a woman selling batteries down the park. She sells C cells by the seesaw...

Light travels faster than sound, which is the reason that some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We’ll see about that.

A termite walks into the bar and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’

Two fish are in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?’

I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

I just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
  
Post #236669316th Apr 2024 1:10 pm
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NJSS
 


Member Since: 06 May 2009
Location: Catherington, Hampshire.
Posts: 10592

United Kingdom 2016 Discovery 4 3.0 SDV6 Landmark LE Auto Waitomo GreyDiscovery 4

Two men of the cloth



A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an aeroplane.

After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever yielded to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, “Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.

Finally the rabbi quietly commented, "Beats the hell out of a bacon sandwich doesn't it?"
  
Post #236677517th Apr 2024 9:57 am
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Rescue01
 


Member Since: 14 Jan 2008
Location: Aberdeen
Posts: 2458

Scotland 2008 Discovery 3 TDV6 XS Manual Buckingham BlueDiscovery 3

Two old ladies are rushing to the bus stop to catch the waiting bus.They pass a hairdressers where someone is getting their hair singed.One says to the other “can you smell that?” Her friend replies “yes we must be running too fast”
 Its not the height of the fall but the sudden stop at the bottom that hurts!!  
Post #236679217th Apr 2024 12:00 pm
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