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These should put a smile on your dial !
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NJSS
 


Member Since: 06 May 2009
Location: Catherington, Hampshire.
Posts: 10592

United Kingdom 2016 Discovery 4 3.0 SDV6 Landmark LE Auto Waitomo GreyDiscovery 4

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.

"Who is credited with writing the phrase, To be or not to be, that is the question?" asked the teacher.

Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, "Shakespeare".

"Well done!" said the teacher, "You can have Monday off."

"No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard." said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.

"Well okay," said the teacher. The next quote is, "I had a dream!"

Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out "I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!"

"Well done!" said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off"

"No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too." said little Fri Sum Kat.

"Okay," said the teacher. Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom,
"****ing Immigrants!"

"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

"Donald Trump!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday!!..
  
Post #236697719th Apr 2024 4:34 pm
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RogB
 


Member Since: 15 Jun 2018
Location: Mansfield
Posts: 1682

United Kingdom 

Laughing Laughing Laughing

but should the punchline have read ''see ya next Tuesday'' ? Whistle
 2011 D4 XS 305 MY12 - gone but not forgotten  
Post #236715022nd Apr 2024 7:32 am
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NJSS
 


Member Since: 06 May 2009
Location: Catherington, Hampshire.
Posts: 10592

United Kingdom 2016 Discovery 4 3.0 SDV6 Landmark LE Auto Waitomo GreyDiscovery 4
Life in Reverse, By George Carlin



In my next life I want to live my life backwards.
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old people’s home
feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy,
go collect your pension,
and then when you start work,
you get a gold watch and a party on your first day.
You work 40 years
until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous,
then you are ready for high school.
You then go to primary school,
you become a kid,
you play.
You have no responsibilities,
you become a baby until you are born.
And then you spend your last 9 months
floating in luxurious spa-like conditions
with central heating and room service on tap,
larger quarters every day and then Voila!
You finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.

George Carlin, 1937-2008
  
Post #236755326th Apr 2024 1:47 pm
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NJSS
 


Member Since: 06 May 2009
Location: Catherington, Hampshire.
Posts: 10592

United Kingdom 2016 Discovery 4 3.0 SDV6 Landmark LE Auto Waitomo GreyDiscovery 4
Excellent insults

These insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
Insults then, had some class!

1. "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play;
Bring a friend, if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night, I will attend the second...If there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response.
2. A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows, or of some unspeakable disease."
· "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
3. "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
4. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow
5. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
6."Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas
7. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain
8. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.."
- Oscar Wilde
9. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
10."He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright
11. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb
12. "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson
13. "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating
14. "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand
15. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker
16. "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain
17. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West
18. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde
19. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... For support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
20. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder
21. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx.
22."He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill
  
Post #236758126th Apr 2024 5:08 pm
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Hardware
 


Member Since: 28 Jun 2016
Location: Hiding under the M60
Posts: 12825

United Kingdom 2011 Discovery 4 3.0 SDV6 XS Auto Sumatra BlackDiscovery 4

A retired RAF engineer and his wife moved to a new town, and he found a pub to drink in.

The first night in there, he bought three pints, and sat at a table in the corner. He sipped from each pint in turn, until he'd finished them.

After he'd finished them he went back to the bar and ordered another three pints.

"If you don't mind me saying" the landlord said, "if you buy beers one at a time, they'll be much fresher."

"Can't do that" he said, "myself and two mates went through service together for twenty years, and all retired at the same time. We always went drinking together, so agreed that when we'd retired and went different ways, we'd always drink like this, so we'd remember each other."

The landlord nodded understanding and with time the ex-engineer became well known and popular in the pub, but he always bought three pints at a time, occasionally three whiskies at a time.

Then one day he came into the pub, and ordered TWO pints. The whole pub went silent. The landlord was the first to speak, "hey, mate, we're all really sorry about the loss of your friend." Everybody looked on in sympathy.

At first the engineer just looked confused, then he worked out what was wrong and grinned.

"Oh, don't worry - my Air Force mates are absolutely fine. The Doctor has told me that I have to stop drinking for my health. But, that's just me, it doesn't affect my friends."
 .


Dean
====================================

2011 D4 XS - OBD port protection, RLD spare wheel protector, All LED interiors lights, Timed Climate enabled, iiD tool paired.
2011 D4 Landmark - Stolen from same dealer before I paid for it
2011 D4 GS - Stolen whilst at dealer Sad ... All LED interiors lights, DRLs, Spare Wheel protector.
1996 300Tdi - Eaten by tin worms 
 
Post #236768428th Apr 2024 11:05 am
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Hardware
 


Member Since: 28 Jun 2016
Location: Hiding under the M60
Posts: 12825

United Kingdom 2011 Discovery 4 3.0 SDV6 XS Auto Sumatra BlackDiscovery 4

For anyone who's been following the fiasco ...
Click image to enlarge



My youngest actually got in last weekend - before the aircon started dropping from the ceiling - and got free food and drink all night because the tills couldn't connect to the Internet, so couldn't take payments.
 .


Dean
====================================

2011 D4 XS - OBD port protection, RLD spare wheel protector, All LED interiors lights, Timed Climate enabled, iiD tool paired.
2011 D4 Landmark - Stolen from same dealer before I paid for it
2011 D4 GS - Stolen whilst at dealer Sad ... All LED interiors lights, DRLs, Spare Wheel protector.
1996 300Tdi - Eaten by tin worms 
 
Post #23680913rd May 2024 10:04 pm
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NJSS
 


Member Since: 06 May 2009
Location: Catherington, Hampshire.
Posts: 10592

United Kingdom 2016 Discovery 4 3.0 SDV6 Landmark LE Auto Waitomo GreyDiscovery 4
E by gum specials

E by gum specials


What's the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?
One shoots but can't hit.

Have you noticed how more and more French words are making their way into English language.
Take hors d’œuvres for example, and that's just for starters.

An ice cream van has just crashed in our street.
Police have coned off the area!

Scientists have discovered another new pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.
Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU

Of all the bad puns in the world, the ones about German sausages are the wurst.

Of all the generous youngsters in the world, German children will always be kinder.

Some guy rang me up, tried to sell me a coffin. I said that’s the last thing I need.
  
Post #236855210th May 2024 12:13 pm
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Hardware
 


Member Since: 28 Jun 2016
Location: Hiding under the M60
Posts: 12825

United Kingdom 2011 Discovery 4 3.0 SDV6 XS Auto Sumatra BlackDiscovery 4

Click image to enlarge
 .


Dean
====================================

2011 D4 XS - OBD port protection, RLD spare wheel protector, All LED interiors lights, Timed Climate enabled, iiD tool paired.
2011 D4 Landmark - Stolen from same dealer before I paid for it
2011 D4 GS - Stolen whilst at dealer Sad ... All LED interiors lights, DRLs, Spare Wheel protector.
1996 300Tdi - Eaten by tin worms 
 
Post #236879114th May 2024 8:07 am
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Hardware
 


Member Since: 28 Jun 2016
Location: Hiding under the M60
Posts: 12825

United Kingdom 2011 Discovery 4 3.0 SDV6 XS Auto Sumatra BlackDiscovery 4

Click image to enlarge
 .


Dean
====================================

2011 D4 XS - OBD port protection, RLD spare wheel protector, All LED interiors lights, Timed Climate enabled, iiD tool paired.
2011 D4 Landmark - Stolen from same dealer before I paid for it
2011 D4 GS - Stolen whilst at dealer Sad ... All LED interiors lights, DRLs, Spare Wheel protector.
1996 300Tdi - Eaten by tin worms 
 
Post #236879314th May 2024 8:24 am
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Hardware
 


Member Since: 28 Jun 2016
Location: Hiding under the M60
Posts: 12825

United Kingdom 2011 Discovery 4 3.0 SDV6 XS Auto Sumatra BlackDiscovery 4

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Last edited by Hardware on 15th May 2024 3:42 pm. Edited 1 time in total 
Post #236882114th May 2024 6:48 pm
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Hardware
 


Member Since: 28 Jun 2016
Location: Hiding under the M60
Posts: 12825

United Kingdom 2011 Discovery 4 3.0 SDV6 XS Auto Sumatra BlackDiscovery 4

Click image to enlarge
  
Post #236884315th May 2024 8:59 am
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Hardware
 


Member Since: 28 Jun 2016
Location: Hiding under the M60
Posts: 12825

United Kingdom 2011 Discovery 4 3.0 SDV6 XS Auto Sumatra BlackDiscovery 4

An 8yr old girl went to the office with her dad on ‘take your kid to work day’.

As they were walking around the office the girl started to cry.

Her dad asked what was wrong. As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly & said “Where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”
  
Post #236885815th May 2024 3:43 pm
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NJSS
 


Member Since: 06 May 2009
Location: Catherington, Hampshire.
Posts: 10592

United Kingdom 2016 Discovery 4 3.0 SDV6 Landmark LE Auto Waitomo GreyDiscovery 4

If you don’t know what introspection is...... you need to take a long, hard look at yourself!
  
Post #236891016th May 2024 5:30 pm
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Hardware
 


Member Since: 28 Jun 2016
Location: Hiding under the M60
Posts: 12825

United Kingdom 2011 Discovery 4 3.0 SDV6 XS Auto Sumatra BlackDiscovery 4

  
Post #236938122nd May 2024 12:18 pm
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NJSS
 


Member Since: 06 May 2009
Location: Catherington, Hampshire.
Posts: 10592

United Kingdom 2016 Discovery 4 3.0 SDV6 Landmark LE Auto Waitomo GreyDiscovery 4
It's that time of year again - The letter from Camp

The Letter From Camp


Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried.

We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a nice guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast , so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.

I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Your loving son
  
Post #23706547th Jun 2024 12:32 pm
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