A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this'......
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says,............
'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.' The older I get, the more I realise that people confuse wrinkles for wisdom
Founder member of Club FFRRV
Club Orange, Mint or Fruit
Club Walnut Sniffers
2nd Oct 2008 5:30 pm
flinty99
Member Since: 17 Mar 2008
Location: Northumberland
Posts: 2558
2nd Oct 2008 5:37 pm
DiscoDunc
Member Since: 08 May 2006
Location: Bristol
Posts: 16390
Very good....Duncan
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If I'd known I was going to be so thirsty this morning I'd have drunk more beer last night.
FFRR Autobiography 4.4 SDV8 MY17
D4 HSE MY13 SOLD
FFRR 3.6 Vogue TDV8 SOLD
D4 HSE MY10 SOLD
D4 SE TECH MY15 SOLD
D4 XS MY12 SOLD
D4 HSE MY10 SOLD
D3 HSE MY06 - Re-Cycled Worldwide
2nd Oct 2008 5:53 pm
WOODY179
Member Since: 01 Jun 2005
Location: Chesterfield
Posts: 3634
1996 Discovery 1 300TDI ES Biarritz Blue, sold
1999 Discovery 2 TD5 ES Rioja Red, sold
2002 Discovery 2 TD5 ES Buckingham Blue, sold
2005 Discovery 3 TDV6 HSE Adriatic Blue, sold
2006 Discovery 3 TDV6 HSE Zambezi Silver, sold
2011 Discovery 4 SDV6 HSE Nara Bronze, sold
2016 Volvo XC60 D5 AWD Lux Nav Twilight Bronze, sold
2020 Range Rover Evoque P250 First Edition, Nolita grey, sold
2023 Range Rover Evoque P300e Autobiography, Carpathian grey
2nd Oct 2008 7:45 pm
10forcash
Member Since: 09 Jun 2005
Location: Ubique
Posts: 16534
An Englishman breaks down in his (non-disco3) car in the wilds of scotland in the middle of winter (August), he wanders across the desolate wastelands for days until he sees a dim light on the horizon.... it takes him several hours to reach the flickering candlelight which turns out to be a house
After banging on the door for seemingly hours in the rain and sleet, eventually a dour scotsman opens the door...
"Please help me - i've been lost for days, i'm cold, tired and hungry" says the Englishman, "Aye, well the pooower is out the noo" says the scotsman "anything will do - even cold porridge" replies the Englishman..... The scotsman thinks for a minute and says "aye, I might have some of that, knock again in half an hour once it's gone cold"
2nd Oct 2008 9:12 pm
DG Site Moderator
Member Since: 12 Dec 2005
Location: The Gaff
Posts: 50934
Member Since: 29 Nov 2006
Location: North Yorkshire
Posts: 15213
Roughly translated means :-
10forcash wrote:
An Englishman [TFC aka Ian] breaks down in his expedition prepared disco3 in the wilds of scotland in the middle of winter (August - nae July), he wanders across the desolate wastelands for days & days & days & days - [ye get the picture] until he sees a dim light on the horizon.... it takes him several days to reach the flickering candlelight which turns out to be Big JMC's hoose
After banging on the door for seemingly hours in the rain and sleet and p*ss, eventually a dour scotsman [JMC aka John] opens the door...
"Please help me - i've been lost for days, i'm cold, tired and hungry" says Ian, "Aye, well the pooower is out the noo, an it aint cold cos I'm just back frae the Alps" says John "anything will do - even cold porridge with some desporaddo's" replies Ian..... John thinks for a minute and says "aye, I might have some of that, knock again in half an hour once it's gone cold and I'm p*ssed up tae the eyebaa's wi the desspos"
I was a normal heterosexual chap, but in these new woke awakenings I now identify as a Wardrobe.
2nd Oct 2008 9:28 pm
heine
Member Since: 07 Feb 2007
Location: Midrand
Posts: 4054
2nd Oct 2008 9:29 pm
DiscoDunc
Member Since: 08 May 2006
Location: Bristol
Posts: 16390
Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.
At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Englishmen cram into a toilet and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."Duncan
-----------------------------------------------------
If I'd known I was going to be so thirsty this morning I'd have drunk more beer last night.
FFRR Autobiography 4.4 SDV8 MY17
D4 HSE MY13 SOLD
FFRR 3.6 Vogue TDV8 SOLD
D4 HSE MY10 SOLD
D4 SE TECH MY15 SOLD
D4 XS MY12 SOLD
D4 HSE MY10 SOLD
D3 HSE MY06 - Re-Cycled Worldwide
2nd Oct 2008 9:37 pm
10forcash
Member Since: 09 Jun 2005
Location: Ubique
Posts: 16534
ronp wrote:
Roughly translated means :-
10forcash wrote:
An Englishman [TFC aka Ian] breaks down in his expedition prepared disco3 in the wilds of scotland in the middle of winter (August - nae July), he wanders across the desolate wastelands for days & days & days & days - [ye get the picture] until he sees a dim light on the horizon.... it takes him several days to reach the flickering candlelight which turns out to be Big JMC's hoose
After banging on the door for seemingly hours in the rain and sleet and p*ss, eventually a dour scotsman [JMC aka John] opens the door...
"Please help me - i've been lost for days, i'm cold, tired and hungry" says Ian, "Aye, well the pooower is out the noo, an it aint cold cos I'm just back frae the Alps" says John "anything will do - even cold porridge with some desporaddo's" replies Ian..... John thinks for a minute and says "aye, I might have some of that, knock again in half an hour once it's gone cold and I'm p*ssed up tae the eyebaa's wi the desspos"
Except.... why TF would I go to scotland?
2nd Oct 2008 11:02 pm
Rescue01
Member Since: 14 Jan 2008
Location: Aberdeen
Posts: 2432
Why would you go to Scotland
Thought you were coming up for the world pipe band championships
Its not the height of the fall but the sudden stop at the bottom that hurts!!
3rd Oct 2008 9:37 pm
10forcash
Member Since: 09 Jun 2005
Location: Ubique
Posts: 16534
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